WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
