I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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