I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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