remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
