So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
