honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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