just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
