My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
