Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
