Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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