Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
