Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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