U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
