I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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