My first STD was from a foam party
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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