even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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