You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
