I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
