Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
