I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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