so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I forgot how hot balto sounded
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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