I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
