the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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