pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
