i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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