Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
