I wish you could order shots online.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
