So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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