Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
