I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.