I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?