Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy