You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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