i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
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Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
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The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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