Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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