and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
