I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
