I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
