John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
