quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
