I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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