This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize