Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
