i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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