I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
