I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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