apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
