just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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