either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
where are my eyebrows?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
