I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
