Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
