after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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