You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
