So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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