i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
