Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
