Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
