do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
They took my balls.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.