Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.