Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
