It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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